We have been fellowshipping these days on the family. We mentioned at the very outset that family is not a human idea; it is a divine concept.
When God created man, He created male and female, and He joined them together into one. That is the man whom God created. In other words, there is the family.
To that family, God gave a task: to multiply, to fill the earth, and to subdue the earth—in other words, to bring the earth back to God, that God may be glorified in all things.
But we know, too, that during the fall of man, the family was broken up. The husband and the wife were separated, and the order of the family was distorted. Instead of Adam being the head of the family, we find Eve taking the lead.
But thank God, because in His work of redemption, we find that it is for the family too.
Believe on the Lord Jesus, and thou shalt be saved, thou and thy house.
In order to have a family after God’s heart, of course, you have to begin with this matter of mating. So we mentioned something about this matter of mating: how to look for a life companion, how God will provide such a life companion. Last time, we mentioned something about the husband and the wife.
Now this morning we will continue with another aspect of the family, which is also very important: parents and children.
Please look at Ephesians 6:1-4.
Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right.
Honor thy father and mother (which is the first commandment with promise),
that it may be well with thee, and thou mayest live long on the earth.
And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath:
but nurture them in the chastening and admonition of the Lord.
Also, Colossians 3:20-21:
Children, obey your parents in all things, for this is well-pleasing in the Lord.
Fathers, provoke not your children, that they be not discouraged.
We find in the Bible many instructions and teachings on how to be parents and how to be children. In the Old Testament, you find in the book of Proverbs so many proverbs related to parenthood and children.
Probably in the book of Proverbs, you have more words spoken to the children than to the parents. But, of course, there are not a few words even to the parents.
When you come to the New Testament, you find especially in these two epistles, Colossians and Ephesians, that they deal with the highest truth. In Ephesians, we are told of the church as the body of Christ; and in Colossians, we are told of Christ as the Head of the church.
So you find in these two epistles Paul deals with the highest truth, the highest revelation you can ever have. Yet in these two epistles, you find teachings not only concerning husbands and wives, but also children and parents.
Probably the weight of the teaching in these epistles seems to be heavier on the parents than on the children. But anyway, you find the Bible is very practical—not only spiritual, but very practical. In other words, the more spiritual you are, the more you are in the Spirit of Christ, the more it shall be manifested in daily relationships on earth.
To be husband and wife affects one generation, but to be parents affects more than one generation. So you find the effect of parents is tremendous.
I do not know why, in Ephesians and Colossians, when Paul mentions this matter of parenthood, he mentions only the fathers and not the mothers. It surprised me.
Though the father and the mother are responsible for the bringing up of their children, if you read Proverbs 1:8, it is said:
Hear, my son, the instruction of thy father,
And forsake not the teaching of thy mother.
In other words, the responsibility of bringing up children rests upon both the father and the mother. There is the instruction of the father, and there is the teaching of the mother. The mother is equally responsible for bringing up the children.
As a matter of fact, you find in the Bible, as well as in history, how mothers influence their children. Think of Samuel. I think everybody loves Samuel because Samuel had such a good mother, Hannah. It was through the prayer of Hannah and through the faithfulness of Hannah that we find Samuel the prophet.
Think of Moses. Even though he was brought up by his mother only for a little while, until he was weaned, yet you find his mother was able to give him God in such a way that even after forty years in the palace in Egypt, all the learning, all the luxuries, and all the corruptions of the court could not take away God from that boy.
Think of the mother of our Lord Jesus, Mary, and how she gave herself completely to God. Out of her womb came the Savior of the world.
Think of Timothy. He had such a good mother, Eunice, and grandmother too, Lois. When you come into history, you find Augustine and his mother Monica. Through the tears of his mother, Augustine was turned to the Lord.
Think of John Wesley and Susanna Wesley, the mother of John Wesley, and how she brought up all her children in the Lord. We find many instances of how mothers influence children.
But, strange to say, in both Ephesians and Colossians, you find it says only, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger. Fathers, do not vex them, that they be not disheartened.” Now, I just do not know why.
Are mothers not responsible for the bringing up of the children? Certainly they are. But why is it that in both cases the emphasis is on the father?
I wonder whether it is because a lot of fathers are so occupied with the things of this world, with their jobs and with their social relationships, that most fathers neglect their responsibility toward their children.
In many families, you find the fathers simply do not take up their responsibility as fathers, but let the mothers take care of everything. Maybe that is one reason why the Holy Spirit knows what fathers are like; therefore, you find special emphasis on the father.
Probably there is another reason. Usually, you find it is the father who provokes the children most. Some fathers are too strict. They are too severe, and because of that they tend to demand so much from their children. Mothers usually do not do that—though there are mothers like that too.
So I do not know whether it is for these two reasons that you find the teaching in Scripture seems to be focused on the fathers. But, of course, we have to remember that the mothers are also included, because they are partners. The father is responsible for the family and for the bringing up of the children, with the help of the mother, of course.
I think we will fellowship on the parents first, and then on the children.
First of all, parents need to realize that to have children is a tremendous responsibility.
God entrusts a human being—spirit and soul and body—into the hands of the parents. You cannot think of any trust more serious than this trust.
If a person should trust you with a million dollars, it is only a million dollars. If a person should trust you with a country, it is just a country. But to trust you with a human being—not only the body, but the soul and the spirit; not only for time, but for eternity—it is a tremendous trust, if we realize it.
I am afraid most parents do not realize that God entrusts a living soul, a personality, a life, into your hands. How that life will be developed—whether it will develop into manhood and womanhood, or whether it will be a total failure, a disgrace, a disaster—hinges in your hands, not only for time, but for eternity.
Parents, you need to realize the tremendous responsibility that God has entrusted to you. God considers you trustworthy. God honors you to such an extent as to entrust living souls into your hands.
What an honor to have children! What a responsibility that you have here!
I think this is the first thing that parents have to know. Do not think that children are your property. They belong to God. You are stewards.
God gave the children to you that you may bring them up in the nurture and discipline of the Lord. God trusts you with a tremendous work. It is the greatest work in the world. It is more important than your job.
God honors you and entrusts you with this work. Because of that, oh, how parents need to be before the Lord.
How strange it is that, as soon as you have children, you think that you know how to be parents. You think that you are able to be parents. Probably that is the reason why there are such failures among parents, among fathers and mothers.
If you know what God has entrusted to you, how you need to be on your knees and look to the Lord for mercy, for grace, and for love.
In other words, parents should go to the Lord: “Lord, You have honored me with such a trust. I do not know how to bring up these children for You. You have to help me. You have to be my wisdom. You have to guide and lead me. You have to teach me how.”
If parents should really go to the Lord and look to the Lord for His grace and His mercy, brothers and sisters, you will find His grace is sufficient. But if you try to be parents all on your own, how easy it is to fail.
The word of God for parents, as we find in Ephesians 6:4, is:
And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath:
but nurture them in the chastening and admonition of the Lord.
There are two extremes among parents. Some parents do not dare to teach and discipline their children. They let their children run wild.
Modern philosophy is, “Do not hurt them. Let them develop their own personality.” If you try to discipline them, if you try to teach them, they are supposedly not able to develop their personality freely. Therefore, lay off your hands. Let the children just grow naturally—and naturally, yes, wild.
Then you have another extreme. Some parents take their responsibility so seriously—not before the Lord, but by themselves—and they discipline and rule over their children with such a heavy hand that their children just lose heart.
But you find in the word of God that there is full balance. On the one hand, the word of God says, “Do not provoke your children to anger.” You should teach your children. You should discipline your children. But do not provoke them to anger. Do not vex them, that they be not disheartened.
How do you provoke your children to anger? How do you vex them so that they lose heart? If parents are not fair in their dealings with children—if parents are partial—they provoke their children to anger.
Now, do not tell me that naturally you are not partial. I remember very well that my father had seven children. I am not talking about my father or mother; I leave that aside. But I am talking about a lady missionary, the one whom the Lord used to bring my father to the Lord. We called her Grandma. She was from Virginia, and she used to live with us.
Of the seven children, she loved my youngest brother the best. That was her favorite. Oftentimes, we wanted to tease her, just to get her excited. We would say, “No, you are not fair. You are partial. You love our brother more than anybody else.”
She would say, “No, no, no. I love you all just the same.” We would say, “No, that is not true.” She would get all excited and try to say that she loved us. Of course, she had a reason. She said, “The reason is because your brother is closest to me. You do not come close to me. That is the reason why.”
Now, she may have had a reason, but anyway, you find naturally it is difficult for parents to be fair to all their children. Some appeal to you. Maybe they have your personality.
Naturally speaking, you find it is very easy for parents to be partial. When parents are partial, prejudiced, and not fair in their dealings with children, they provoke the children to anger. Some children can get by; others cannot. Why? Because the parents are partial. They are not fair.
How can parents provoke their children to anger? By demanding too much.
You know, some parents have an ideal they want to reach, and yet they fail. Therefore, they transfer their ideal and put it on their children. What they have failed to do, they want their children to succeed in. In other words, they want to make their children what they themselves dreamed of becoming.
They do not respect the personalities of their children. Because of that, they demand and demand and demand, and want their children to be the perfect dream of theirs.
You find that when parents do something like this with their children, they vex their children and dishearten them, because they feel they will never be able to attain to that place.
Always demanding, never appreciating, never praising—finally the children give up and say, “I am no good. No matter what I do, it is just no good. So why do I try?”
Brothers and sisters, the word of God to parents is, “Do not provoke them to anger.” You need to teach them. You need to discipline them. But you need to respect their personalities. You must be fair. You should not demand all the time without praising and appreciating sometimes.
Then you find the balance on the other side: “Bring them up in the admonition and discipline of the Lord.”
You need to take care of them—not only their physical needs. Some parents simply supply the physical needs of their children and then let them loose. They provide them with food, dwelling, clothes, money to go to school, and some spare money, and that is it. In other words, they are only providing for their bodies.
You have to fulfill your responsibility. Physical need is only one area of your responsibility. Parents are to bring up their children not only healthily, but also with a good spirit and a good soul.
In other words, you have to teach them. You have to admonish them. Admonishing is probably mostly in words: you admonish them with words, with teaching. Discipline is probably mostly with action. Sometimes words have to be accompanied by action.
If there are only words and no action, the words are cheap and they will not be respected. So here you find admonition and discipline must be together in order to bring them up in the Lord.
Of course, it does not say that you need to admonish and discipline them according to yourself. No, sir. Admonish and discipline in the Lord.
In Hebrews 12, you find that our earthly parents chasten us according to what they think. They think that something needs to be disciplined, and they do it. But our heavenly Father chastens us with a perfect will, that we may be partakers of His holiness.
As Christian parents, we should not admonish or discipline our children just according to our will. As Christian parents, we have to admonish and discipline them according to the will of God. That is the difference.
Coming from a Chinese background, I have to say that the old Chinese concept considers children as the property of the parents. Parents can do anything to their children just as they can do anything to their things. The parents are never wrong—never, no.
They can discipline their children and say things to them just according to their wishes. Why? Because the children are their property. Not so. Not so in the word of God.
In the word of God, we find that children are God’s possession. The parents are just stewards; they are managers for God. For that reason, they have to admonish and discipline their children in the Lord, according to God’s will, not according to their own will.
Now, are we doing that? Are parents admonishing their children according to the teaching of the Lord? Not because I want it, but because this is what the Lord wants.
Are we disciplining our children because this is the way God would have us do it? Not because I want it, but because this is the way God wants it.
Brothers and sisters, if parents should realize this, what a change, what a difference it would be.
On the one hand, there is endless responsibility; but on the other hand, the responsibility is the Lord’s. You have the Lord to depend on, to look to—not according to your own way, but in the Lord’s way.
Well, these are the principles. Let us mention a little of the practice. How can parents bring up their children as the Lord desires?
In practical terms, the first thing for parents to do is to sanctify themselves for the sake of their children.
In the family, you cannot have double standards. Sometimes parents, because they are grown up, think they can do many things and are free to do these things. But they have another standard for their children.
The children do not understand. Maybe you have a right in certain areas because you are grown up, but the children do not understand. If you do not sanctify yourself for their sake, you will never be able to teach them and discipline them.
Look at our Lord Jesus. In John 17, you find that our Lord Jesus sanctified Himself for us. There are many things our Lord Jesus can do, and there is nothing wrong with the Lord. But for our sake, He set Himself apart in order that He might not offend us in any way.
Brothers and sisters, for parents this is something important. Before you have children, probably there are things you can do freely. But after you have children, you have to think of them.
If you say such a thing, if you do such a thing, if you go to such a place, how will it affect your children? You tell your children, “You cannot say this. You cannot do this. You cannot do that,” but you do the same things.
You find that many children rebel against their parents because their parents have double standards. You lose the respect of your children. They will not respect you anymore. They think you are hypocrites.
Therefore, in a practical way, the first thing is for parents to sanctify themselves for the sake of their children. This is part of the cross. For your children’s sake, you are willing to give up certain things that are your rights, because it will maintain one standard in the family. I think this is very important.
Number two: the father and the mother must live before God. There is no way to help their children if the parents themselves do not live in the presence of God.
If the parents fear God, the children will fear God. If the parents love God, the children will love God. You have to provide the right atmosphere. You have to be examples to them. The parents have to live before God in order to bring up their children.
Number three: the parents have to be of one mind in teaching and disciplining their children. Children are very clever. They are more clever than you think.
How they can play the father against the mother, and the mother against the father! On certain things, they know the father will say no, so they go to the mother. On other things, they know the mother will say no, so they go to the father.
Oftentimes, you find that they play the father against the mother and cause some kind of conflict between the father and mother. That is natural cleverness.
Therefore, in the teaching and disciplining of children, the parents have to be of one mind. If the children go to the mother, the mother should say, “What does the father say?” Give them no opportunity, no door. The same thing applies to the father. They have to be one; otherwise, you are not able to bring up your children.
Number four: children are to be taught and disciplined in all areas of life.
As we have just said, it is not just to give them money or supply them with material needs—food, clothing, and so on. Of course, that is important, but it is the smallest part.
Parents have to bring up their children as to their manners, way of life, habits, work, character, relationships, and all kinds of things. They all need to be taught and disciplined.
For instance, children have to be taught manners—not only table manners, though table manners are manners, but also manners when they meet somebody else. How should they meet people? How should they conduct themselves?
I find that lots of people today have grown up without instruction. They do not have good manners anymore because they were not taught.
Children should be taught values. What are things that are really valuable? They should be given some kind of standard of values. If children learn values when they are young, they will be kept from many mistakes.
What are the valuable things? What are the things that are valued in life? These are things that you should teach your children when they are very young. You should teach your children to know standards. There should be some standards that need to be kept, and they should be taught when they are young.
They should be taught how to use money. Help them. They should be taught how to work and how to be diligent.
I do thank my parents. When we were young—every brother and sister; there were seven of us—we had to work in our home. Our mother would give us certain work to do: sweep the floor and do certain things. She gave us responsibility to do things.
Children should be taught how to work. Lots of modern children do not know how to work; they are being served all the time. They should be taught diligence and the building of character.
All these things need to be taught and even disciplined, so that when the children grow up, they grow up into manhood and womanhood. That is the responsibility of parents.
Number five: in dealing with children, your words must be accurate and your promises must be kept.
Oftentimes, parents promise something to their children, and then they just forget it. That hurts the children very much. Whatever you say must be accurate, and it must be done.
If what you say is not done, children can see that your words are valueless, worthless. When you say something, it has to be accurate; it has to be done. That is the way to bring up children.
And, of course, not least, parents have the responsibility of bringing their children to the Lord. That is the most important thing.
Many parents fail in this responsibility. They do not bring their children to the Lord and allow their children to go into the world. Then somebody else—the church—has to go out and get them.
But actually, it is the responsibility of the parents to bring up their children and lead them to the Lord. If that is the case, you will find that they stay in the church. They will be useful in the church, and you do not need to go out into the world to rescue them and bring them back.
So these are a few practical things. I told you there are many, many other things, but we just mention a few as a reminder of how parents should bring their children up in the teaching and discipline of the Lord.
Now, so far for the parents. Now we turn to the children.
The word of God has definite teaching on how to be children. It is very definite. If you read Ephesians or Colossians, you will find it centers upon one word: obey.
Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right.
Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well-pleasing in the Lord.
The one thing children should remember is to obey. Now, you find the Bible uses words very carefully. With the wives, in relation to their husbands, it is “submit.” But with the children, in relation to their parents, it is “obey.”
Why? Because submission is an inward attitude. The husband and wife are fellow heirs of the grace of life. In other words, the husband and wife are equals. They are partners. Therefore, you find the word is “submit.” It is an inward attitude of submission.
But the parents and the children are not equal. Today, many children think they are equal with their parents, or even superior to their parents. But the Bible tells us that the parents and the children are not equal. The parents are on a higher level.
Therefore, the relationship of children to parents is obedience. Obedience is outward conduct—actual conduct.
Sometimes children may not understand why their parents want them to do certain things, or why their parents do not want them to do certain things. You may not understand.
If you wait to understand everything that parents demand of you before you obey, you will not be able to obey. Many children say, “Well, why?” When their parents want them to do something, immediately they say, “Why?” It is as if, unless they see a good reason to do it, they will not do it.
Oftentimes, you are not able to know why. You are not so mature yet. When your parents want you to do certain things or refrain from doing certain things, you may not understand fully. Yet obedience is not a matter of whether you have to understand.
Submission is an inward attitude, but obedience is an outward action. Whether you understand or not, do it. Do it.
Of course, if you can understand it, that helps. If your parents are willing to explain it to you, that helps. But in obedience, whether you understand or not, it is obey. Why? Because this is right.
Where is the justice? The justice is this: your parents take care of you. They provide you with everything. They have the responsibility of bringing you up. Having such responsibility over you, it is right for you to obey them.
If you receive so much from them and yet will not obey them, you are unjust. It is right for children to obey their parents.
Sometimes we say, “Well, our parents do not know as much as we do.” That may be true in certain areas. But not because your parents do not know more than you do can you disobey. Not so.
Look at our Lord Jesus. When He was twelve, He was made a son of the law in the temple. Knowing His responsibility toward His Father, He remained behind in the temple when His earthly parents returned home.
After three days, they found Him in the temple. They said, “Son, why hast Thou done thus to us? Behold, Thy father and I sought Thee sorrowing.”
And the Lord Jesus said, “Knew ye not that I must be in My Father’s house?” Our Lord knew that He was the Father’s Son. He must be occupied with the Father’s business. Yet His parents did not understand.
Not because they did not understand did our Lord refuse to go home. The Bible says that the Lord returned with them and was subject to them. And He grew in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and men.
So, children, even if you think you are superior to your parents—even if you know better—still it is your duty to obey. It may be a cost, but the Lord says, “Deny thyself, take up thy cross, and follow Me.” It is well-pleasing to the Lord.
Not only is it right; it is well-pleasing to the Lord. Brothers and sisters, young people, children, you want to please the Lord, do you?
There is nothing that can please the Lord more, as children, than when you obey your parents. It is well-pleasing to the Lord.
Of course, if you want to be good children, first of all you have to trust the Lord. You have to be in the Lord. Unless you are in the Lord, you cannot be well-pleasing to the Lord.
First trust in the Lord. Ask the Lord Jesus to come into your heart. Accept Him as your personal Savior. Learn to know Him. Learn to trust Him. As you listen to Him, He will enable you to obey your parents.
Do you think children today really rebel against authority? Outwardly, yes; but inwardly, no.
Outwardly, it seems that children today rebel against authority—any kind of authority, they will rebel. But inwardly, they respect authority. They know that in authority there is security and there is love.
When parents do not discipline their children, the children do not respect them. Not only that, they even think that their parents do not love them, and they do not have a sense of security.
But children who are disciplined by their parents in the Lord know that their parents love them enough to discipline them. There is security to them, and they respect authority.
So, for the Bible’s sake, obey—not only in some things, but in all things. Do not argue with them.
Only in a very rare case, if any, when your parents want you to do something that is against God, then, of course, you have to obey God rather than men. But this is a very rare case for children.
Therefore, the Bible says, “Obey your parents in everything, for this is well-pleasing to the Lord.”
Honor your father and mother. Honor your father and mother.
You know, the Ten Commandments are on two tables of stone. The first four concern our relationship to God. The next six concern our relationship with men. In human relationships, the first commandment is, “Honor thy father and thy mother.”
This is a commandment with promise: “That it may be well with thee, and thou mayest live long on the earth.”
Honor your father and mother. How do we honor our father and mother? The best way to honor them is to obey them. The best way to honor them is to listen to them. The best way to honor them is to seek their advice. The best way to honor them is to accept their discipline.
The best way to honor them is to communicate with them, to learn from them. That is the best way to honor them.
Lots of children today do not communicate with their parents. They take advice from outside and not from their parents. They will not listen to their parents. They despise their parents. This is not honor.
To honor is to draw near, communicate, pour out your heart, take their advice, and listen to their advice. That is the way to honor your father and mother.
The Bible says, “That it may be well with thee, and thou mayest live long.” God has a promise.
So, brothers and sisters, with children, let us remember that God expects all His servants in the family. Let our children obey and honor in all things.
If the parents and the children all learn to look to the Lord, learn to live by the life of Christ, and all learn to be in the Lord and for the Lord, you will find that family is certainly a testimony, and the Lord will take it.
Our heavenly Father, how we praise and thank Thee that Thou dost desire to have a family that will be a glory to Thy name.
Oh, how we praise Thee that Thou dost not only tell us what Thou dost expect of the parents and of the children, but Thou dost give us Thy own life. With that life, we can be parents and can be children according to Thy life.
So, Lord, we just ask Thee that both the parents and the children will humble ourselves before Thee, trust Thee, and look to Thy life, that we may be a glory to Thy name. We ask in Thy precious name. Amen.