We have been sharing these days on this matter of the family.
At the outset, we find that family is a divine concept. God originated the family, and it is for the purpose of fulfilling His will.
In the fall of man, something happened to the family. Instead of being a God-centered family, it became a self-centered family. There is separation in the family. Even though not outwardly, inwardly it has happened. There is a lack of love, and there is also the violation of God’s divine order in the family.
But we also find that when God begins to redeem us, He has the family in His plan. If we believe in the Lord Jesus, we shall be saved, and our household.
Of course, in order to have a Christian family, it has to begin with this matter of mating: finding the right partner.
This morning, we would like to continue with the relationship between the husband and the wife in the family. Let us read a few passages from the New Testament.
Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands, as to the Lord.
For a husband is head of the wife, as also the Christ is head of the assembly.
He is Savior of the body.
But even as the assembly is subjected to Christ, so also wives to their own husbands in everything.Husbands, love your own wives, even as the Christ also loved the assembly, and has delivered Himself up for it, in order that He might sanctify it, purifying it by the washing of water by the Word, that He might present the assembly to Himself glorious, having no spot or wrinkle, or any of such things, but that it might be holy and blameless.
So ought men also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He that loves his own wife loves himself. For no one has ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, even as also the Christ the assembly. For we are members of His body; we are of His flesh and of His bones.
Because of this, a man shall leave his father and mother, and shall be united to his wife; and the two shall be one flesh. This mystery is great, but I speak as to Christ, and as to the assembly. But ye also, every one of you, let him so love his own wife as himself; and as to the wife, I speak, that she may fear, that is, reverence, the husband.
Wives, be subject to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.
Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.
Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, that even if any are disobedient to the Word, they may be gained without the Word by the conduct, the manner of life, of the wives, having witnessed your pure conduct carried out in fear.
Whose adorning, let it not be that outward one of dressing of hair, and wearing gold, or putting on apparel, but the hidden man of the heart, in the incorruptible ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which in the sight of God is of great price.
For thus also the holy women, who had hope in God, heretofore adorned themselves, being subject to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord; whose children ye have become, doing good and not fearing with any kind of consternation.
Ye husbands likewise, dwell with them according to knowledge, as with a weaker vessel, even the female vessel, giving them honor as also fellow heirs of the grace of life, that your prayers be not hindered.
Of course, in the family, the basic elements are the husband and the wife. God brings a man and a woman together that they may be one.
So far as their life is concerned, they share the same life. Not only physical life—we receive the same human life from our forefathers—but even their spiritual life is the same, because we suppose that both the husband and the wife are in the Lord.
Therefore, the Bible says the husband and the wife are fellow heirs of the grace of life. So far as life is concerned, they are fellow heirs. They are partners. They are equals.
There is nothing in the Bible that tells us that the man or the woman has to be more spiritual than the other party. So far as spiritual life is concerned, the man and the woman, the husband and the wife, are equal.
But for the sake of the smooth, efficient working of the family, God does set in the family the husband as the head and the wife as the body of the family.
This morning, we would like to look at this matter from three different angles:
First of all, let us consider the relationship between the husband and the wife in the matter of position and responsibility.
We have already mentioned that, so far as life is concerned, the husband and the wife are equal. But when you come to the matter of the operation of the family, God does set an order in the family.
It has nothing to do with inequality. It is for the sake of efficiency. God sets the husband as the head of the family, and of course, with the head there are certain responsibilities involved. God sets the wife as the body of the family, and as the body of the family, she has certain responsibilities to take care of.
The working together of the husband and wife will build that family up beautifully before God.
When we come to this matter of order, I think we have to go back to the very basic principle of divine order.
You cannot try to set up the order in the family beginning with the husband and the wife. In other words, if you try to tell the wife, “Now, wife, you must submit to your own husband,” probably the wife will say, “He is not more spiritual than I am. Why should I submit myself to him?”
Or if you say to the husband, “Husband, be the head of the family,” the husband may say, “Well, that is too much responsibility.”
You cannot begin to set up the divine order with the husband and the wife. No, you will not be able to do it, and you will not succeed in it.
If the family order is to be established, we have to go back to the very basic beginning of divine order. This is found in 1 Corinthians 11:3. Paul says:
I wish you all to know one thing: Christ is the head of every man; man is the head of woman; and God is the head of Christ.
In other words, we have to go back to the very beginning of divine order. It begins with God as the head of Christ.
Unless you see this, it is very difficult to have the order in the family established. Here you find, in the divine order, the first step: God is the head of Christ.
We know in Philippians 2 that the Son and the Father are one. It is not something for the Son to grasp at equality, because He is equal with the Father. He and the Father share everything. He and the Father share the same life, the same Spirit, and the same purpose. In everything, They are equal and They are one.
But for the sake of the eternal purpose of God, for the sake of the plan of God, and for the sake of God’s work, the Son willingly and voluntarily, out of love—not out of compulsion, not because He was commanded to do that—emptied Himself.
Out of His love for the Father, He willingly and voluntarily emptied Himself of the glory, the honor, and the position He had with the Father. Not of His deity, of course, but He willingly, out of love, emptied Himself of all these positions and glory.
He took the form of a slave, and being in the form of a man, He humbled Himself and was obedient to the Father, even unto death, and that the death of the cross.
In other words, so far as life is concerned, the Father and the Son are one and equal. But here you find the Son, out of love, willingly took a lower position.
When Christ was on earth, He took the position of the body. He honored His Father as the head in all things.
If you read the Gospel according to John, you will find our Lord Jesus again and again stating, “The Son can do nothing by Himself.” He said, “I can say nothing. Whatever I say, I have heard the Father say.” The Son can do nothing by Himself; He does what He has seen the Father doing.
In other words, in the whole life of our Lord Jesus, you find He honored His Father as the head. He never lifted up His head and tried to act on His own. He willingly submitted Himself to the Father as the head.
When He was tempted by Satan—“You are the Son of God. If You are the Son of God, turn the stone into bread. You are able to do that, and You are hungry”—the Lord said:
Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceeds from the mouth of God.
In other words, it is the Father who is the head. Unless the Father decides that I should turn the stone into bread, I will not do it. I would rather be hungry; I will not do it.
His whole life was marked by this one thing: He was obedient to the Father. He held the Father as the head. What He was to the Father, He was as a body to the Father.
You remember Psalm 40. It is said:
Sacrifices and offerings Thou wouldest not, but Thou hast prepared Me a body.
Lo, I come to do Thy will.
The Father is the head; the Son is the body. Here you find the Son offered Himself completely to do the will of the Father as a body to the Father.
What an order it is. Here you find there is a perfect order between God and Christ. Because of that, He not only sets an example for us, but He becomes the very source of our achieving the divine order. He becomes the source of the power by which we also can enter into the order that God has set among us.
Then the second step: Christ is the head of every man. Now, the word man there is not the same word used to distinguish the male from the female. The word man there means mankind.
In other words, Christ is the head of all mankind, of all men, including males and females. This is the second step.
First, we must see that God is the head of Christ. Then, secondly, we need to enter into the reality of Christ being the head of all men. Is that not true? Every believer must see this.
When you believe in the Lord Jesus, you receive Him as your personal Savior, and you are saved. But that is only part of it. If you believe in the Lord Jesus, you must not only receive Him as your Savior; you must accept Him as your Lord.
He is not only your Savior; He is also your Lord. What is the meaning of receiving Him as your Lord? To put it another way, it simply means you receive Him as your head.
Before you believed in the Lord Jesus, you were your own head. Why? Because you did things according to your own pleasure. But after you have been saved, you have been redeemed. You are not your own anymore.
How should you live on this earth? There is only one way you can live: you need to surrender your life to the Lord and say, “Our Lord, from now on, You are the head, and I am to be the body. In other words, I am here to do Your will. Whatever You say, it shall be done. It is up to You. You are my head.”
Now, brothers and sisters, have we all come to this place yet? We have believed in the Lord Jesus as our Savior, but have we yet accepted the Lord Jesus as the head of every person?
Is it true that Christ is your head? Are you making plans? Are you planning? Are you scheming, as our sisters say? Or are you desiring and trying to do things just to please yourself?
Or is it that in all things you hold fast Christ as your head? “Lord, not my will, but Your will be done. What do You want with me? I am here for Your pleasure. I am here to do Your will. That is what I am here for. I am the body; You are the head.”
Brothers and sisters, this should be true with every believer, including men and women. Christ is the head of all men.
Do you know the reason why the order in the family cannot be established? Number one, we do not see the vision of Christ: Christ takes God as His head. Number two, even though we are saved, we have not yet surrendered our lives to Christ as the head of our lives.
It is no use trying to say, “Husband, be head of the family; wife, be body of the family,” if people do not see that it all begins with the relationship between Christ and God. That is the power. That is where the supply of power is.
Unless the man and the woman have surrendered their lives to the Lord and let the Lord be head of each one of them, there is no way to set up the order in the family.
The reason why the divine order in the family is not established is either because the husband and the wife, or both of them, or one of them, do not take Christ as his or her head. Secondly, they do not see that God is the head of Christ.
So, dear brothers and sisters, for the order in the family to be established, we need to see that as Christ takes God as the head, so Christ must be head over all men, both the husband and the wife.
It is only when both the husband and the wife have taken Christ as the head that, by His grace and by His power, the husband can be head of the family and the wife can be body of the family.
It is not difficult for the order in the family to be established if both the husband and wife really take Christ as their head.
The husband does not want to do things according to his own will, trying to impose himself upon his wife. The husband holds fast the Head: “Lord, what is Your will for the family? I am just carrying out what You want.”
The wife does the same thing. The wife looks to the Lord and asks, “Lord, what do You want me to do in the family?” It is for You. It is for You.
Brothers and sisters, for the order in the family to be established, it has to come in this way.
God sets up the husband as head of the family. Now, to be head of the family is not just to sit high up and give commands. To be head of the family is a great responsibility.
At least in three areas, the husband as the head of the family has to take responsibility.
Number one: in the area of finance, the husband as the head of the family should support the family.
When God said to Adam, “From now on, you have to toil; you have to sweat in order to make a living,” He was not saying that to Adam alone. He was saying it to Adam in relation to his family.
Adam was to toil and sweat in order to earn a living for himself and for his family, to take care of his wife and his children. The husband, as the head of the family, is responsible for supporting her.
Today, in this country, we find many husbands and wives both work. I agree that there are exceptions. But so far as God’s way is concerned, the responsibility of supporting the family rests upon the husband.
If the husband cannot support the family, it is very difficult for him to be the head of the family.
Of course, there are legitimate reasons for a husband and a wife to work in order to support the family. But, dear brothers and sisters, I wonder if one reason why, in modern families, you find both the husband and wife have to work is because they want to match up with somebody else.
In other words, if our lifestyle is simple, I do believe that Christians should live a much simpler life. A simple life is conducive to our spiritual growth.
Today life has become so complicated. We have to raise our standard of living. We have to compete with our neighbors. Because of that, you find the husband alone cannot support the family.
If we lived more simply, it might be possible. But because we do not live simply, it requires both the husband and the wife to work in order to support the family. The result is that the wife has a full-time job already in the family, and the family suffers because of it.
I do not say that there are no exceptions. There are exceptions. Sometimes the husband just does not earn enough to support a family. Even then, they should live a very simple life, and of course the wife has to help.
But so far as God’s way is concerned, you find that, as head of the family, the husband is supposed to take responsibility in supporting his household so that the wife can devote herself to raising the children. That is the most important work.
Number two: the husband as the head of the family is responsible for policy decisions. In other words, so far as the government of the family is concerned, it rests upon the husband.
The lifestyle of the family, the direction the family will go, and important policy decisions that have something to do with the family—the responsibility rests upon the husband.
Now, it does not mean that the husband can make decisions without consulting his wife, because they are partners. The husband should not just go ahead and make a decision and tell his wife to do it. That would be to be a despot.
But the husband should consult his wife. They should hear and talk about the matter, but the final decision rests with the husband. The wife is to carry out the decision, but the decision rests upon the husband as the head of the family.
Number three: if you read the Old Testament, you find that the father of the family was usually the priest of the household.
Think of Job. Even after his children were married and had their own families, whenever there was a feast, he would gather them and sacrifice to God. Look at Abraham, and so forth.
Spiritually, the husband as the head of the family is responsible for the spiritual welfare of the family. Today, lots of husbands are not doing that. They leave that to the wives. Thank God for these faithful wives, but the husband is supposed to lead in spiritual matters in the family.
So, as husband, you find at least in these three areas he is responsible. He is to take the lead as the head of the family.
When you come to the wives, as the body, the wife plays a supporting role in the family. The husband plays the leading role, but the wife plays a supporting role.
Her responsibilities are also along these three lines.
So far as finance is concerned, she may not be required to support the family, but most likely she is the one who manages the finances. She is really the one who uses the money.
If she uses the money wisely, it will be such a building up of the family.
Sometimes, in modern society, some husbands have to take two jobs, and I know of some who take three jobs. Some even go into illegal ways of getting money. Why? Because their wives have such desires and ambitions.
Whether the wives are extravagant or frugal affects the family very much.
The wife is to manage the finances, to use the money wisely for the necessities of the family.
Brothers and sisters, if you read Proverbs 31 concerning that virtuous woman, you will find in that chapter how diligent the wife is, how the wife makes good use of the money and the profit of it, and so the whole family has no need.
As the body of the family, she is to use the money that has come in wisely for the family. That is the wife.
Number two: so far as the management of the family is concerned, it rests upon the wife. The husband may make a decision on certain policies, but it is the wife who carries them out.
In the daily affairs—in buying food, in dressing the children, and so forth, in the thousand and one things in the family—you find it is the wife who really manages the family. She is really the manager in the family.
She carries out the policies that have been laid down as to the direction of the family, as a help.
Number three, of course, in the spiritual matter she is to help the husband in bringing the family and the children up in the admonition and discipline of the Lord. When the husband is away, then she has to step in.
Of course, in practical areas there are many things we can say, but I just mention these principles.
Here you find, in the family, the relationship of the husband and wife. You can see the husband as the head; he has certain responsibilities. The wife, as the body, has certain responsibilities. They work together for the building up of the family before God.
Now we move on to the next thing: how to be a husband and how to be a wife in the family.
Once our dear brother Watchman Nee said, “If anyone wants to be a nurse, he has to go through certain years of schooling. If anyone wants to be an engineer, he has to go through certain years of training. Or if you want to be a doctor, you have to go through many years of study and practical training.”
In other words, every job requires training. If you are not trained, you are not able to take the job and do it well.
He said, “It is strange. In the matter of husband and wife, it seems as if as soon as a man and a woman have reached the age and they are married, then automatically the man knows how to be a husband and the woman knows how to be a wife. You do not need any training. You do not need to learn anything. Automatically, because you are in that position, you know how to be a husband and you know how to be a wife.”
He said, “No wonder. If a husband and a wife really set their minds on learning how, after five years they may be successful.”
Well, I think he just wanted to impress upon people that we cannot take things for granted. This is the most important job of your life, and yet you are practically without training and without preparation.
Oh, how husbands and wives need to be before the Lord about it. If we are before the Lord about it, by His mercy and grace, we may be successful in His eyes.
You find in the Bible teachings and instructions on how to be a husband and how to be a wife.
We often consider the Letter to the Ephesians and the Letter to the Colossians as two of the most spiritual books in the Bible. Why? Because the Letter to the Ephesians speaks of the church as the body of Christ, and the Letter to the Colossians speaks of Christ as the head of the church, the body.
These two letters reach the summit, as it were, of spiritual revelation. Yet in these two highly spiritual letters, we find instructions on how to be a husband and how to be a wife—very down to earth.
Spirituality is not something floating in the air. Spirituality has to be manifested in practical living.
Here you find in these two letters—and, of course, in 1 Peter too. The whole theme of 1 Peter is the kingdom, and yet in 1 Peter he touches upon this matter of the husband and the wife too.
In these three places, we find that Scripture instructs us and teaches us how to be a husband and how to be a wife.
Now let me mention one thing. I do not know why, in all these three places, it seems as if God instructs the wives first and then instructs the husbands.
I have pondered upon it. So far as God’s order is concerned, the husband is the head and the wife is the body. Adam was created first, and Eve came later. But why is it that when it comes to instructing how to be a husband and how to be a wife, the order seems to reverse?
In every place, in all these three places, first wife and then husband.
Well, it came to me: probably the wives influence the husbands more than the husbands influence the wives. I wonder if that is true.
In the Garden of Eden, that was the first illustration. It was not Adam who introduced it; it was Eve who influenced him. Oftentimes, for the sake of harmony in the family, the husband just goes along with the wife.
Probably it is for this reason that you find the first instruction is for the wife. In other words, if you have the right wife, it is easy to get the right husband. I do not know; I just throw it out. You can think about it.
In these three different places, you find God’s teaching concerning how to be a wife in the family. In all three places, you find God emphasizes just one point, one thing above all.
In Ephesians:
Wives, submit to your own husbands as unto the Lord.
In Colossians:
Wives, be subject to your own husbands, for it is fitting in the Lord.
In 1 Peter:
Wives, be subject to your husbands, even if your husband is not in the Lord.
In other words, the teaching of the Bible concerning how to be a wife is this matter of submission or subjection. That is the whole point.
The Bible does not say, “Wives, love your husbands.” It seems as if it is very natural for wives to love their husbands, even though it is natural love.
But for wives to be submissive, to be subject to the husband, demands a divine life. A wife may have a natural love, but in that natural love there is no submission.
To show that you really love your husband, you need the love of Christ in you, because only in the love of Christ is there that element of submission.
It is submission out of love—not out of command, not out of compulsion, not out of force. But as Christ submitted Himself to God, so the wife willingly, voluntarily, out of her own will, because of her love to Christ and to her husband, submits herself to her husband.
She tries to adapt herself to her husband. She tries to complete and perfect her husband. She gives up her own desire. She submits to her husband in love.
You know, submission in Scripture is more a matter of heart attitude, or mental attitude. It is more an attitude. There is a heart attitude and an inward attitude of subjection.
Why submit? Because of the love of Christ.
As a wife submits to her husband, she is submitting unto the Lord. In other words, unless you can see the Lord, you cannot do it.
Many wives will say, “Why should I submit to my husband? Why?” Well, if you see the Lord—if you see the Lord—as Christ submitted Himself to God, you submit yourself to your husband as unto the Lord.
You take the Lord as your standard and as your example, and you allow the life of Christ within you to constrain you in love. Brothers and sisters, that is the only way to submit.
In a non-Christian family, even naturally, people do have this kind of concept: wives should submit to the husband. But that is only moral.
When you come to a Christian family, it is more than a moral thing; it is spiritual. For the wife to submit to her husband is a spiritual thing. Why? Because she is submitting as unto the Lord. She sees the Lord, and she is motivated and supplied by the life of Christ and the love of Christ. It is different. It is different.
She is not to try to win her husband’s heart by braiding of hair, by wearing jewels, or by rich apparel. In other words, in this world women try to attract their husbands and try to hold their husbands by these outward things. They think by doing these things, they can win their husband’s heart.
For a Christian wife to win her husband’s heart, it is the beauty of the inward man—the beauty of the inward man.
So, to the wives, God has one thing to ask, and that is: submit in love, as unto the Lord. It is fitting in the Lord.
Now, to the husbands, again you find in three different places that what God emphasizes for the husband is also only one thing: love.
It seems as if it is easy for a husband to submit to his wife, so the Bible says:
Love your own wives, as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for the church.
Here again we find that this love is not natural. It is not natural. The word love is agape. It is that absolute love, the love of Christ.
Unless a husband really submits himself to Christ and lets the love of Christ fill his heart, he cannot love his wife as Christ loved the church.
Again, you find the standard is Christ, and the supply of the power of love is also Christ. It is a spiritual thing, a spiritual thing.
The husband is not to demand all the time. The husband is to give, as Christ gave Himself for the church.
If the husband will learn to love and the wife will learn to submit, the husband does not need to tell the wife to submit, nor does the wife need to tell the husband to love.
In other words, the Word of God is for your own self. Do not try to take it for the other party.
If both the husband and the wife will take the Word of God to heart concerning his or her own self, and do not wait for the other to begin but try to begin yourself, you will find there will be no problem. No problem.
What the Word says here is, “Husbands, love your wives.” Negatively, God adds one more point: do not be bitter toward them.
What does that mean? It means this: sometimes husbands can demand so much. They treat their wives as slaves. Because their wives do not meet all their demands, they are unhappy and even bitter.
Husbands should be more considerate, because the wives are weaker vessels in a sense. Constitutionally, their makeup is different; they are different. So husbands need to love and to be more considerate concerning their wives.
These are the instructions in Scripture. Finally, I do not think we have time to go into the third point, and that is how the husband and the wife should adjust to each other.
Remember, for two grown-up people, having years of background, habits that are rather fixed, and having two independent wills, for two grown-ups to merge together into one is not easy. There need to be lots of adjustments, lots of adjustments.
Let me just summarize by saying this.
The family is not a reformatory; it is a melting pot.
Do not think, husband, “Well, I married a wife and I am going to reform her and fit her to me.” That is treating the family as a reformatory. Maybe the wife has the same idea: “I will reform him.”
No, the family is not a reformatory. It is a melting pot. How can you melt together? You both have to melt first. You both have to give up yourselves first—not try to go out and reform the other.
Lots of problems come from that. But be no to yourself. You need to be melted. You need to deny yourself, and then you can be merged.
Secondly, the family is not a court; it is a school. It is not a place for arguing who is right and who is wrong, as in a court. No, that is not a family.
A family is a school for both the man and woman to learn lots of lessons. There is no place where you can learn more practical lessons and spiritual lessons than in your own family.
That is where those who remain single miss lots of lessons.
Number three: the family is not a battlefield; it is a workshop. You do not try to stand in opposite positions and battle each other.
No, it is a workshop. You work together to have a work done, to have the work of God done. That is a family.
Because of that, you find there are lots of adjustments that need to be made and a lot of practical things we have to think about. I think we will just stop here, because it will be too much.
Our heavenly Father, how we praise and thank Thee because Thy life in us is real, is practical, and is down to earth.
O Lord, how we praise and thank Thee. Without Thee, we can do nothing, not even know how to be a husband or how to be a wife. But with Thee all things are possible.
O, we do cast ourselves wholly upon Thee and pray that, by Thy grace, because of Thy life in our families, there might be the divine order set up. There might be that love and that submission, that Thou Thyself may be glorified in all our families.