We have been fellowshipping these days on this very important matter of family, and this morning we will continue on that. Will you please turn to Genesis 24?
And Abraham was old, and advanced in age;
and the Lord had blessed Abraham in all things.
And Abraham said unto his servant, the elder of his house, who ruled over all that he had,
Put, I pray thee, thy hand under my thigh;
and I will make thee swear by the Lord, the God of heaven and the God of earth,
that thou take not a wife for my son of the daughters of the Canaanites, among whom I am dwelling;
but thou shalt go to my land and to my kindred, and take a wife for my son Isaac.
And the servant said unto him, Perhaps the woman will not be willing to follow me unto this land:
must I needs bring thy son again unto the land from which thou camest?
And Abraham said unto him, Beware thou that thou bring not my son thither again.
The Lord, the God of heaven, who took me from my father’s house, and from the land of my nativity,
and who spake unto me, and who sware unto me, saying, Unto thy seed will I give this land;
He will send His angel before thee, and thou shalt take a wife for my son from thence.
And if the woman be not willing to follow thee, then thou shalt be clear from this my oath;
only thou shalt not bring my son thither again.
And the servant put his hand under the thigh of Abraham his master,
and sware to him concerning this matter.
And the servant took ten camels of the camels of his master, and departed;
having all good things of his master’s in his hand:
and he arose, and went to Mesopotamia, unto the city of Nahor.
And he made the camels to kneel down without the city by the well of water
at the time of evening, the time that women go out to draw water.
And he said, O Lord, the God of my master Abraham,
send me, I pray thee, good speed this day,
and show kindness unto my master Abraham.
Behold, I am standing by the fountain of water,
and the daughters of the men of the city are coming out to draw water.
And let it come to pass, that the damsel to whom I shall say,
Let down thy pitcher, I pray thee, that I may drink;
and she shall say, Drink, and I will give thy camels drink also:
let the same be she that Thou hast appointed for Thy servant Isaac;
and thereby shall I know that Thou hast showed kindness unto my master.
And it came to pass, before he had done speaking,
that, behold, Rebekah came out, who was born to Bethuel the son of Milcah,
the wife of Nahor, Abraham’s brother, with her pitcher upon her shoulder.
And the damsel was very fair to look upon, a virgin, neither had any man known her:
and she went down to the fountain, and filled her pitcher, and came up.
And the servant ran to meet her, and said,
Give me to drink, I pray thee, a little water from thy pitcher.
And she said, Drink, my lord:
and she hasted, and let down her pitcher upon her hand, and gave him drink.
And when she had done giving him drink, she said,
I will draw for thy camels also, until they have done drinking.
And she hasted, and emptied her pitcher into the trough,
and ran again unto the well to draw, and drew for all his camels.
And the man looked steadfastly on her, holding his peace,
to know whether the Lord had made his journey prosperous or not.
And it came to pass, as the camels had done drinking,
that the man took a golden ring of half a shekel weight,
and two bracelets for her hands of ten shekels weight of gold;
and said, Whose daughter art thou? Tell me, I pray thee.
Is there room in thy father’s house for us to lodge in?
And she said unto him, I am the daughter of Bethuel the son of Milcah,
whom she bare unto Nahor.
She said moreover unto him, We have both straw and provender enough, and room to lodge in.
And the man bowed his head, and worshipped the Lord.
And he said, Blessed be the Lord, the God of my master Abraham,
who hath not forsaken His lovingkindness and His truth toward my master:
as for me, the Lord hath led me in the way to the house of my master’s brethren.
We mentioned at the very beginning that family is not a human idea; it is a divine concept. When God created man, He created man in such a way that there is actually a family. He created a male and a female, and He brought them together that the two might be joined into one flesh.
So far as God’s purpose in creation is concerned, family is in God’s will. Then we find later on, in the salvation of our Lord, in redemption, that God makes the family the basic unit for salvation.
In Acts 16, we are told, “Believe on the Lord Jesus, and thou shalt be saved, thou and thy house.” We have to believe in the Lord Jesus personally and be saved; but, “and thy house.” In other words, the salvation of the Lord includes your household.
We can claim this promise from the Lord. If we believe, and if we live obediently before the Lord, you will find that He will honour His promise, and our families shall all be saved.
Now, seeing that family is of such importance, the forming of a family is a very serious matter. If we want to see God’s purpose in the family fully fulfilled, if we want to see God’s glory manifested in the family, then in the very beginning, in the foundation of a family, we should be careful before the Lord.
So this morning we would like to talk about this matter of choosing a mate. Of course, what we will say this morning will be directed to those who have not yet established a family.
Now, if you already have a family, by the sovereignty of God, remember: you cannot look back. You cannot say, “Well, I will try to begin all over again.” No. If, in the sovereignty of God, you already have a family, you can only look forward.
In other words, whatever may be, you have to look to the Lord for His mercy and for His grace, that your family may be what He wants it to be. So never look back, but only look forward.
But for those who have not yet established families, we believe that in the Word of God there are definite teachings and instructions as to this matter of choosing your life companion.
This is very important. Why? Because it will not only affect the future of your family; it will affect, perhaps, the second generation or other generations. It may affect the church, society, and even the whole world; and, more than that, the purpose and the glory of God.
So, for the sake of the glory of God and His purpose, this matter of choosing a mate is of tremendous importance. We who are the Lord’s need to look to the Lord in this matter and to be guided by His Word.
There is a very beautiful story in the Bible concerning this matter of choosing a life companion, and this is the chapter that we have just read: Genesis 24. We would like to use Genesis 24 as an illustration and try to draw from that story some guiding principles as to the choosing of a mate.
Abraham had grown old and advanced in age, so he called his servant—the elder of his servants. We know his name was Eliezer, his steward. He called his steward to him and said, “You go back to the land where I came from, and get a wife for my son Isaac.”
Now, number one: you will find that it was Abraham who started this whole matter. And Abraham, we know, in this instance represents God. God is the originator of marriage. He is the originator of the family.
Not only in the beginning, when He created man, did He say, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a help meet for him,” but even in this matter of bringing people together, you find that it begins with Abraham. That is to say, it begins with God.
Physically and psychologically, when a person reaches a certain age, a person begins to feel the need of a mate, the need of a life companion, the need of a family. Now, when that need begins to be felt in a young brother or a young sister, what should he or she do?
Oftentimes, we think that here is a human need, and because I have a need, therefore I have to go out and try to find the supply to that need. But as believing brothers and believing sisters, when you come to a time when you begin to feel the need of a life companion, what should you do?
Remember one thing: even that need that you feel at this moment comes from God. God created you in such a way that He puts a certain need in you. There is nothing wrong with desiring to have a life companion or to enter into a family. It is of God.
But because that need is put in you by God, when you begin to feel that need, the first thing is not just to go around and try to get the supply. The first thing is to go back to God and say, “Lord, You put that need within me. Now You have to supply that need. You have to find the right mate for me. I am looking to You to choose the mate for me.”
In one sense, we choose; but in another sense, we do not. It is God who chooses our life companion.
Therefore, the first principle in the matter of choosing a mate is this: whenever you sense the need, bring it to God.
Do not be so conservative, thinking that it is embarrassing to bring such a matter to God. We, as believers, feel the need of bringing every problem and every need to God. And this need, among all needs, is a lifetime need.
Because it is such an important thing, how can we feel reluctant to go to our heavenly Father, tell our heavenly Father what our need is, and ask our heavenly Father to supply that need? Certainly, this is something that every believing brother and every believing sister should do.
Abraham called his steward to him, and he made his steward take an oath, saying, “You do not get a wife for my son from the women of the land in which I am now dwelling—the Canaanites. But you go back to my homeland, and get a wife for my son from my kindred.”
Now the servant said, “Suppose the woman does not want to come. She is not willing to come here. Should I bring your son to the land from which you came?” Abraham said, “No. God has brought me out. God has promised to give this land to me. God will bless you, and will bring that woman to my son. But if she does not want to come, then you are clear of this oath.”
Here you find the second guiding principle: go to my homeland and to my kindred, to get a wife for my son.
The steward, Eliezer, here represents the Holy Spirit. God purposes, and the Holy Spirit operates. God devises, God proposes, God has decided on a certain matter, and then it is the Holy Spirit who will carry this thing out and work this thing out.
Brothers and sisters, when we commit this matter of choosing a mate to God our Father, you will find that the Holy Spirit will become active. It is because we do not commit this matter to our heavenly Father that we do not give the Holy Spirit opportunity to work for us.
If you do not commit this matter to God, and the Holy Spirit is not working for you, then you have to work yourself. And how many young people are working themselves to death in that way. How easily they are misled. How easily they fall into some trap, some snare, and cannot get themselves out of it.
But if we commit this matter to the Lord, to the heavenly Father, you will find that our heavenly Father will ask the Holy Spirit to work for us. So here you find Eliezer beginning to work.
But as he works, there is a principle: “Do not get a wife from the women of the Canaanites, but go back to my homeland and get a wife for my son from my kindred.”
Spiritually speaking, it means that when a brother or sister in the Lord is looking for a mate, God has given us a boundary. He has given us a scope, and within that scope the Holy Spirit will look for a mate for you. If you try to go outside that scope, the Holy Spirit is not there looking for you.
The scope is this: “Go to my homeland among my kindred.” Spiritually speaking, God has set down a boundary within which believing brothers and sisters, by the Holy Spirit, can look for a life companion. That is among kindred, among believers, among those who are of the same family—the family of God.
You remember in 2 Corinthians 6, Paul said, “Be not unequally yoked with unbelievers.” We who are believers are exhorted not to be diversely and unequally yoked with unbelievers, because in a family, in a marriage, husband and wife are yoked together for a lifetime.
The Bible says, “Be not unequally yoked with unbelievers.” Many reasons are given. “For what fellowship have righteousness and iniquity?” So far as our position is concerned, we are righteous before God. The righteousness of God has come upon us through Christ Jesus. We are clothed with Christ as our righteousness.
This is our standing and our ground before God. But so far as the people in this world are concerned, they are lawless. In the sight of God, their ground and their position are lawless. Our position before God is a righteous position, so there is no fellowship.
“What communion hath light with darkness?” So far as our daily life and conduct are concerned, we walk in the light, as God is in the light. We have fellowship one with another, and the blood of Jesus Christ His Son cleanseth us from all sin. But so far as the behaviour of worldly people is concerned, it is darkness. They are children of darkness; they walk in darkness and live in darkness.
“And what concord hath Christ with Belial?” So far as our government is concerned, who governs our life? Christ. He is our Lord. But who governs the life of unbelievers? Satan, the wicked one, governs them. Even our governing principle of life is different.
“And what portion hath a believer with an unbeliever?” So far as our attitude is concerned, we are believers: we believe. But the world does not believe. There is no portion.
“And what agreement hath a temple of God with idols?” We are the temple of the living God. So far as our purpose of life is concerned, we are here to allow God to live in us, and we are here to serve God. But the people of this world serve idols. There is no agreement.
So, brothers and sisters, if you are exercised as to this matter of finding your mate, do not go to the daughters of the Canaanites. In other words, do not find your mate among the unbelievers in the world. Find your life companion among those who are of the family of God.
Some people will say, “Well, if I try to find a mate among unbelievers, I can save another soul.” One day, a sister came to Spurgeon—you know that great preacher, Spurgeon—and she said, “Spurgeon, is it all right for me to marry an unbeliever?” She began to explain her reason: “I could bring him to the Lord, and another soul will be won to Christ. Is that not good?”
Spurgeon said, “All right. Let us do something.” There was a table in the house, and Spurgeon told this young sister, “Stand on the table.” She did not know why he wanted her to do that, but she listened to him and stood on the table.
Then Spurgeon said, “Stretch out your hand.” He took hold of her hand and said, “Now pull.” Of course, that sister was pulled down. She could not pull him up onto the table.
So Spurgeon said, “Now, if you want to marry an unbeliever, that is what will happen. You think you can pull him up, but you will be pulled down by him.”
So, dear brothers and sisters, in choosing a mate, do not go outside the church into the world to find your mate. It is God’s will that you shall find your mate among believers. Then you can be equally yoked, and you can serve the Lord together.
This is very important. Many families end up in great tragedies because, in the beginning, one who is a believer disregards the Word of God. The Holy Spirit, when He operates, always operates along the line of the Word of God. You cannot expect the Holy Spirit to work for you outside of God’s Word, but you can expect Him to work for you if you obey the Word of God.
Now notice how this servant went about the matter of finding that mate. Even in the city of Nahor there were many women, many virgins who were not yet married. The servant was a stranger to that city. How was he going to find a wife for his master’s son Isaac in the city of Nahor?
When he arrived at the city of Nahor, he went to a certain place: he went to the well. In the old days, usually there would be a well either outside the city or in the city square. People had to drink, so there would be a well.
That was the place where the women would come. In the old days, women would bring their pitchers and draw water from the well to bring home. So, when this servant came to the city of Nahor, he went to that well. He knew where to go.
He made the camels kneel down, and then he began to pray. He said, “Lord, God of my master Abraham, prosper me. Prosper me. When the women come out to draw water, if I ask a woman for a drink, and she will not only give me a drink but will also give my camels drink, then this is the woman whom You have chosen for my master’s son.”
And before he had ended speaking, behold, Rebekah came.
What does the place of the well represent spiritually? In Scripture, a well always speaks of grace. Out of the well comes living water, and that speaks of the Spirit of life. It is grace.
Here you find where the servant would go: he went to the city of Nahor in the first place, and in the second place, he went to the well, because that was the place where the women would come. Spiritually speaking, can we say that the well is where believers gather together?
When we gather together around the Lord, we come to a place of grace, receiving grace from God. This is the place you should go to find a mate.
You do not go to a dancing hall to find your mate. You do not go to a cinema to find your mate. You do not go to a racecourse to find your mate. You do not go to a political rally to find your mate. You do not go to some kind of social gathering to find your mate. You go to the church, to the place where God’s people come to draw water, where God’s people come to draw the life of God.
That is the place where you will find your life mate. This servant was very wise. He did not go anywhere else. Even though there were so many women, he did not knock at every door. He just stayed there at the well, and he prayed. He committed the whole matter to the Lord. He looked to the Lord.
Brothers and sisters, if you are looking for a mate, trust the Holy Spirit to guide and lead you. But you need to go to the right place. You do not go to the world to try to find a mate. You go among God’s people. You go to the gathering of God’s people.
There, as you gather together and learn to serve together, the Lord will reveal to you who is your mate. Just pray. Just commit it to the Lord.
But we can make this matter of choosing a mate so spiritual that it becomes merely soulish and human. Some people make the choosing of a mate completely human: they leave God out. They say, “It is my need. It is a physical thing. It is a thing of this world. Of course, I am the one who is to choose the mate.”
Then they become very active in trying to find a mate. If they cannot find one in the church, they find one in the world. They attend all kinds of social gatherings to have more opportunities to choose. They become very actively involved in choosing a mate, but they never pray. That is one extreme.
But we can go to the other extreme and become super-spiritual. We say, “Well, we have committed it to the Lord. Let the Lord choose for me.” So we just sit there and become very passive. We do not even cooperate with the Holy Spirit.
That is being too spiritual. In all spiritual things, we need to be passively active. Whether it is in reading the Scriptures, doing other things, or choosing a mate, our attitude must always be passively active.
It means that we need to commit it to the Lord, then be alert to the leading of the Holy Spirit, and learn to cooperate.
The servant prayed. He said, “When the women come out to draw water, if I say to a woman, ‘Give me a drink’…” Remember, he had no intention of asking every woman. He could have stayed there and asked perhaps hundreds of women, because hundreds of women probably would be coming out to draw water. If he asked every woman, he would have been very confused.
He simply said, “Lord, I will watch. When the women come out, I will watch. Then I will ask a woman.” Not just any woman, but a woman whom he had observed.
That is where the choosing of a mate comes in. On the one hand, you commit it to the Lord. Your heart is open to the Lord. You want what the Lord wants for you. If you have that kind of attitude, you pray and you watch—watch.
Not just asking anyone or everyone, but when someone comes and somehow you feel that you can ask.
Of course, we will say that in doing that, you judge more or less by outer appearance. Probably, yes. But outward appearance reveals more than you think.
The servant certainly was not merely looking for a fair lady, and that was all. Certain things will be there, but in the very manner, in the very way a woman acts, you can tell a great deal.
So the servant did not ask everyone. He watched. That was his intention: he would ask a woman in whom he felt there was something.
Brothers and sisters, if we are emotionally involved too much, we become blind. But if we can stand by and watch what the Lord will do, then we can afford to be more observant.
Of course, God answered him so quickly. Rebekah came. God brought Rebekah to him. She was fair of countenance; she was a virgin, and she had never known a man. How did the servant know? The servant did not know that. God knew.
The servant only knew that she was fair of countenance, but as he watched, he felt that there was potential. There must be something in Rebekah—not merely a fair countenance, but something more, revealed perhaps in her manner and in her very way.
So the servant asked her, when she had drawn the water, “Give me a little water to drink out of thy pitcher.” Notice what Rebekah did. She hurriedly took down the pitcher and said, “Drink. I will also give thy camels drink.”
She began busily drawing water, pouring the water into the trough, and making the camels drink. Now, brothers and sisters, how many camels did the servant have? Ten camels.
After a wilderness journey, the camels must have been thirsty. To satisfy the thirst of ten camels, how much water did the woman have to draw? To give drink to an old man is one thing, but to give drink to ten camels was quite a task. Camels can drink and drink and drink, and store water for another long trip.
Here you find that in choosing a mate, the servant was looking for something more than the physical. So far as the physical was concerned, the woman should be fair of countenance—that is to say, she should not be repulsive. There may have been something in her manner that was attractive.
But more than that, the servant was looking for character—for character. For a woman to be a wife, she has to be compassionate, kind, generous, friendly, hospitable, and diligent. All these are character, and these qualities are very, very important.
For a woman to give drink to a stranger—that is kind. But her compassion and kindness extended not only to men but even to animals. There was something in that character.
Notice how diligent she was. She was not trying to get by with as little work as possible. She was not afraid to work. She was willing to work. She was diligent and hospitable. That is a good mate for Isaac: character.
Brothers and sisters, you remember the book of Proverbs, the last chapter, Proverbs 31. The second part of that chapter is beautiful. I hope all the brothers and sisters will read that—young brothers and sisters especially—many times.
What kind of woman is the woman of excellent worth? Oh, she is diligent. She is kind. She is generous.
She stretcheth out her hand to the poor;
yea, she reacheth forth her hands to the needy.
She openeth her mouth with wisdom;
and the law of kindness is on her tongue.
She looketh well to the ways of her household,
and eateth not the bread of idleness.
Her children rise up, and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praiseth her, saying:
Many daughters have done worthily,
but thou excellest them all.
Grace is deceitful, and beauty is vain;
but a woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised.
Character—character. In choosing a mate, it is not only the physical that you should observe, but the inward beauty, the character. That is very, very important in choosing a mate, whether it is in a man or a woman. Certain character qualities are essential.
All the time, the servant was still there, watching—watching how God would work. When everything was finished, he took out one gold ring and two gold bracelets, gave them to the woman, and said, “Now, what is your name? What family do you come from? Is there any place for me, my servants, and the camels to lodge?”
Rebekah told the servant that she came from the very family of Abraham, the family of Nahor. She said there would be plenty in her home.
The servant bowed down and worshipped God. In the whole chapter, the spirit of that servant is the spirit of worship.
Now, brothers and sisters, we think that we worship God only when we come together on Sunday morning. We think that is the time we worship God. But no: you can worship God in the process of choosing a mate.
Do not make the matter of choosing a mate so secular that it has nothing to do with worship. No. If you commit this matter to the Lord, if you look to the Holy Spirit, if you really walk in His way, you will see how the Spirit of God works. You will be like one standing by and watching.
Then worship will be drawn out from you. Every step will draw out worship. Brothers and sisters, that is worship. That is worship. How much of our choosing of a mate draws out worship today?
This is what it should be. The whole process should be a matter of worship, seeing God work toward His own purpose. Oh, how beautiful that must be. Of course, we know the rest of the story.
Now, brothers and sisters, just to add something before we conclude: the union of a man and a woman is not merely a physical union. The union of a man and a woman is a union of the complete being. That is to say, it is a union of spirit, soul, and body.
Because it is a complete union, in choosing a mate all these three aspects should be carefully considered.
We need not only to consider the physical side. Today, lots of young people consider only the physical side, and of the physical side they consider only one thing: in the man, is he handsome? In the woman, is she beautiful? That is all.
But Proverbs says, “Grace is deceitful, and beauty is vain; but a woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised.”
Of course, physical attraction is something to be considered. That is true. At least it should not be repulsive, because if it is repulsive, how can two people come together? There must be a certain physical attraction.
But that is not the whole physical matter. In considering the physical side, not only the matter of attraction, but the matter of health should be considered too. The matter of heredity should be considered too, because it may affect the second generation.
Family background should be considered too—not in the sense of the old Chinese way, where you have to find a mate with what we call the same doors, meaning the same social status, the same wealth, and so forth. That is too worldly. But a certain family background is important because lifestyle is different.
If you come from a certain family, you develop a certain lifestyle over the years, and it is very difficult to change your lifestyle. So family background should be considered. Of course, age should be considered too.
All these things that concern the physical side should be carefully considered before the Lord.
But marriage is not merely a union of the body; there is a union of the soul. Therefore, the psychological side should also be carefully considered. In other words, you need to consider the natural character and whether you find certain basic character qualities important for a family, in the man who will be a husband or in the woman.
Of course, you have to consider whether there is that companionableness in the person. Some persons are so by themselves that they cannot live with other people. In finding a mate, this is something you need to consider too.
The moral side needs to be carefully considered.
Added to that is the spiritual side. Number one, the person must be a believer. Number two, the person must love God.
Some people are believers, yet they have no heart for the Lord. If you have a heart for the Lord, you will find that even a believer without a heart for the Lord will make things very difficult afterward, because a family is supposed to serve God together.
Unless we are of one mind, one heart, and one love, how can we serve God together? If the husband wants to serve God and the wife does not, or if the wife wants to serve God and the husband does not, even if they are both believers, you will find great difficulties.
It is very important that both are believers and both love the Lord. Brothers and sisters, when you consider all these aspects, you will find that it is a union of the whole being.
One last word: oftentimes young people have very high ideals. You are looking for an ideal person. You may set up a very high standard, and you want to find a perfect person who will fit your ideal one hundred percent.
You will not find one, I assure you. You will not find one.
On the one hand, you need to see that God has set down certain principles by which you need to walk. But on the other hand, do not try to find a perfect, ideal mate. You will not get one.
When all these basic things are considered, as you put this matter before the Lord, the Lord will exercise your heart. If He gives you a go-ahead, go ahead.
So, this is just a little on this matter of choosing a mate, as we find in the Scriptures.
Our heavenly Father, we do thank Thee, because Thou dost create the need, and Thou dost give the supply. We praise and thank Thee that from the very beginning to the very end, we can see Thy hand working, and we can maintain an attitude of prayer and of worship.
Lord, we do pray for the young people among us and among Thy people everywhere. Oh, how we do pray that Thou wilt give the young people a desire to seek Thy will in this matter of choosing a mate, and that Thou, in Thy sovereignty, mayest bring them together, that families may be established on solid ground and may be building blocks for Thy church.
We give Thee all the praise and the glory, in the name of our Lord Jesus. Amen.